Where were you born?

A week ago I attended a NOW event, the Women of Color and Allies Summit.  It was interesting though I was mostly focused on membership and facilitating a World Café Conversation.  The next day at lunch, a woman told me she had learned something interesting at the WOCA Summit ~ that asking someone where they are from ~ is racist.  Surviving my torrent of questions, she went on to explain that the question comes from a place of privilege.  No matter how I asked, she was unrelenting.

It has been a week and I am still turning it over in my head.  I have no idea who told her that idea, but I believe it is representative of the very root of racism ~ making curiosity, questions, difference, inquiry ~ taboo or even insulting.  How will I ever bridge the separation if I cannot ask how we are both different and alike?  How will we all get along if we cannot say – Wow, that is new to me, that is different than me, tell me all about it. 

We are all Harijan, as Gandhi named the “untouchables,” we are all children of god.  Laura Nyro said that she was a child of the universe.  I want to say – yes you have an accent, you look different and would you tell me about it.  The second note, in that symphony of humanity, is for the question to be returned and then I get to say where I am from.  I believe it is only racist if there is an implication that I may ask and you may not.  My particular etiquette believes that if I ask, I am simultaneously offering and expecting to be asked and to answer.  Is it not the conversation that we might have in common?  Is it not the curiosity we might have in common.  To me, it seems arrogant to say asking is rude. 

In the World Café I posed this set of questions to begin a positive conversation ~
CAN I BE YOUR SISTER?
     I am a different color than you.
     I am a different religion than you.
     I am not your age or your size.
     I was born in a different country.
     My orientation and gender identity is different than yours.
     Can I be your sister – your family?
     Can we put it all aside and be sisters?

I believe we cannot just put it aside.  We have to ask and our question has to be received.  Years ago, at a family style restaurant, a mother and son sat across from me, the boy asked his mother, while pointing at me, “Why does she have such a big head?”  The mother was so upset, instantly teaching her son that innocent inquiry is wrong. 

I disagree and I want to know all about you.
     Why do you wear a headscarf?
     What holidays do you celebrate?
     Why do you go to prayers on Saturday?
     Do you believe in god?
     Why are you in a wheelchair?
     When do you believe life begins?
     Hey, where were you born?

If the conversation partner feels they can ask right back – the real listening begins.  Racism and elitism asks while making it crystal clear – don’t ask back – I am too privileged to be asked.  Asking from true inquiry as an invitation to meet, as Buber speaks of, is an innocent and kind beginning.

Comments

[Linda Perkins]

Interesting, I ask people where they're from all the time. For me, it's simply a way of getting to know a person better and getting a sense of who they are, etc. The only people for whom I know feel this is an intrusive question are people who are not from the US (or perceived not to be from the US). I like people and the way to get to know people is to ask them questions about themselves (obviously not extremely personal questions like their salary). I guess since I'm a social and educatioanl historian, I study people's lives so I"m always intrigue and concerned with who people are beyond their resumes. I've had people feel just the opposite and complain that often people express no interest in knowing anything about them. It conveys the impression that the person has no interest at all in knowing the person beyond the superficial. I just had some dinner guests at my home last night and I recall mentioning to one of the guest that another guest was also from Virginia. Although Virginia is a state and obviously large, it was an instant connection between the two of them. They started talking about various things and people they discovered in common. So, I guess I don't see this where are you from as a necessary insult. I know there are people who hate the question " what are you", which is quite different and actually rude (because the person asking can't figure out what racial, ethnic or nationality the person is from. I guess the question could be asked in another non-offensive manner. Anyway, I'm happy we had the WOCA forum last week. It did exactly what it was supposed to do - create dialogue. I've had three persons email me about continuing the dialogue about some topics in my session. So, this is all good. Happy Thanksgiving (belatededly)

[Anne Grant]

Our kids told us they resisted bringing school friends home because they thought we grilled them with questions, when we thought we were only taking an interest in them. We, on the other hand, enjoy being with people who show an interest in who we are, where we come from, what we think. (Though it is not so much fun if their questions are just gearing up to challenge our views!)

Thirty-five years ago, I asked another NOW member if she had done much work on Jewish women's history, and she got angry, saying I was singling her out as a Jewish woman. A few years later, she thanked me and said her defensiveness started her thinking about why she reacted that way. She DID start exploring Jewish women's history, and considered it a personal growth spurt.

I, too, have done lots of growing when people asked me questions that made me angry. Don't be afraid to ask provocative questions, Zoe. When we stand together on the cutting edge, we sometimes bleed. Ow-ee!