OnLine With Zoe

Secrets I Long to Tell

Clearly I can keep a secret.  I was not clear on any other component though.  Oddly, what really threw me was the crew constantly asking me, “Are you prepared for her to be dead?”  At first it was shocking.  Why would we be doing all of this if she had passed?  Then it was annoying and I wanted to say, yes I hear you.  Yes, I am prepared.

The time it really threw me was when Ann Curry asked me.  The question must be real if Ann Curry is asking me on camera.  My answer to Ann was, I think you will understand more than the crew.  I am a Buddhist.  We are always aware of impermanence, of age, of death.  I do know she is a bit older than I am.  The fact was, I had no idea where she is or what she is doing. The shoot continued which could only mean that no matter the circumstances, it was not going to impede us. 

The question I kept asking was, Can I tell people?  OH NO.  No, you cannot share your photos.  You can not talk about this on social media.  You cannot say who you are looking for.  You cannot tell people if you find her.  Heck, most of the time they didn’t even tell me where we were going.  I got a text the night before.  (virgo, cap rising - steadfast, premeditated, strategic).  My mantra for all 14 days was ~ surrender.

When can I tell people?  The funny thing here is that everyone I asked, anyone I asked, had a very different answer.  The possibility of error was maddening.  The PBS USA office said, I could reveal anything five minutes after they did.  The sole caveat was that the photos I shared could not include the crew.  So that’s what I did.  Remember, I have not seen the show.  It was all like describing a gift before you open it.  In tiny increments, PBS USA revealed this and that.  I followed their lead.

Breathe.  Show and Tell.  I was hoping to meet Sonia Johnson again.  I had not seen her for 36 years.  We parted in the Springfield airport and neither of us was well.  Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was not just saying goodbye to my sister fasters but also our standing guard.  AND goodbye to the ERA.

Finally, Day 14.  There she was.  – you will have to watch to get the whole story as I traveled to 5 states, recapitulated my summer of 1982, and met up with my Mentor.

PBS, We'll Meet Again
Tuesday, January, 8,  9/8c

A Downpour of Information

Turning 66 next week I have to admit I am more and more vigilant calculating the loss of nouns, proper names, pointers to original sources. I measure my internal database simplify daily without my consent. I had thought it would be a simplification of drawing informed conclusions (wisdom) but then I grew up.  It is not consolidation and distillation. It is recognizing that multiple information streams, background media, torrential facts, wide angle lenses have to be honed; honed in direct ratio to the importance of the flagged destination.

What a week.  Ferguson took me over.  I had four+ media streams going 15 hours a day.  To have that many opinions pouring through began as interesting but what came into focus was that none of the sources were telling the whole story.  Preferring Amy Goodman did not erase the need for mainstream news if I wanted to see what mainstream people were accepting as truth.  Knowing what happened in real time through activists broadcasting on amateur streams was red hot but lost the wide angle shot of the White House, Lt. Russell Honore, sources of humvees and the rich context of Dred Scott being buried just off Florissant Road.  My drive became a personal challenge to know what is fully happening but as Bilbo Baggins told us, one thought pushes out another.

I just wanted to hang on as if it would lead to righting the wrong.  It felt like if I took it all in, I could earn witnessing righting the wrong.  A terrible hope, an activist's hope, a Divine Discontent.

I had a little talk with myself and decided to take a few hours off and watch a movie I had waited a long time to see, Captivated, The Trials of Pamela Smart.  It was sitting on my TIVO.  And I would be able to see footage of one of my most revered friends, Dr. Eleanor Pam, whom I hadn’t seen in a long time.  It turned out to be 90 minutes demonstrating the major importance of getting the whole story.  It is urgent, it is ethical, it is required of mindful people who seek justice. 

The principle character in the movie is television itself.  It is shown in all types and places from prison to kitchens, black & white, with dials and rabbit ears.  It is both a player and a filter which begs the question what is the role of the viewer.  Moreover, is there a responsibility to the viewer?  One man who did not think so was Robert Spencer, a slick shyster reporter of the Smart case who should have been working for Sterling Cooper.

What has television done to us?  I watched Anita Hill and OJ. I knew who was victim and killer.  But what happened to me from the couch to the fridge.  Susan Sontag would ask what genuine human pain can squeeze through that lens into a human heart.  Four boys, celebrity seeking girl wearing a wire, a fist full of men scrambling to make a living on the stage of legal proceedings; all at what cost to a woman in prison for the rest of her life.  It may sound biblical, mythical, Shakespearean but there is a live human being lost in the glamor machine of Nicole Kidman and Helen Hunt.  Even the female novelist whose book was to be the first movie, “ripped from the headlines,” stated no regard for the truth.  Joyce Maynard, what happened to you?  And what did you do to truth seekers?   What are you doing to right this wrong and get Pamela Smart out of prison?   Juicy, salacious, perfect for Lifetime Television and poison for truth seekers.

Real people handed their costumes, given their roles, placed in the key light, tasked with selling something every 12 minutes while the audience dashes to the bathroom or grabs a beer.  Humanity as sport.  Angry young Black people caught on Florissant between two tanks.  Pamela Smart in prison without parole while the two who killed Greg Smart will be out in 2015.  What can I do to not only stay afloat in this torrential downpour of information but to be vigilant with my mind and protect my heart.

As Murrow warns,

This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and even it can inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it's nothing but wires and lights in a box. There is a great and perhaps decisive battle to be fought against ignorance, intolerance and indifference. This weapon of television could be useful.  Stonewall Jackson, who knew something about the use of weapons, is reported to have said, "When war comes, you must draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." The trouble with television is that it is rusting in the scabbard during a battle for survival.

They are not all Justin Suarez

 If you are queer or an ally you would have really loved watching the Suarez family ramp up for a coming out surprise party and, moreover, seeing Marc St. James grow a heart and stop them, imploring them to wait for Justin to make such a loud colorful decision.  Justin is adorable, loved, well, talented, encouraged, mentored and is like the cupcake shop in an otherwise vacant abandoned lot.

 We needed a rainbow flag and some confetti in the midst of tragic escalating news; women raped for “correctional” therapy, a lesbian beheaded in Chihuahua, Mexico,  parents staging a fake prom so a Mississippi high schooler won’t find the real prom, queers in most African countries facing imprisonment and god only knows what else is happening in the vicious cycle of backlash.

 For a dose of moderate christian opinion, minister Huckabee just told college student reporters that foot soldiers are not calling for the end of DADT (who do you think they are discharging?), gays who want to adopt should consider a puppy and that even the granting of civil unions should be rescinded.  This is a man who has run for president.  This is the voice of reason on the christian right compared to Pat Robertson or Rick Warren. 

For those of us working in the liberation movements across America it is thrilling to see the White House fence attracting some men and women with signs and some in chains or handcuffs.  Cuz "change is a comin”.  The reality is that the change has occurred and is only waiting for a few more heavy contractions, some time in the “ring of fire (as my doula friend tells me) and this next step in the evolution of humanity will be on terra firma.  In the mean time it is a terrible kumite between those doing the heavy lifting and the opposition, drunken with fumes of backlash. 

So when you see Equality Activists working double time these days, know that it is because we cannot take any more time.  The 111^th Congress will dissolve soon, people are being dismissed from the military today, white American ministers are pouring their hate across Africa, beautiful kids who just want to put on their Sunday best and dance the night away are surveying choices that include suicide. 

 Congratulations to Justin Suarez and all the people at Ugly Betty for giving us a vision for what could be.  Now we have to turn off the TV, create a ruckus and spread the love.

American Idol From My POV

Last night’s American Idol was an extraordinary show.  I sat on the couch with the poodle, skipping through the commercials having a great time.  The last few minutes sucked, as we all know Adam Lambert is the more talented, long term idol but that’s what happens when voters are little Christian girls who dream of Kris Allen being their friend, singing to them on their thirteenth birthday.  Hell, all us older girls (over 17)  and gay/bi guys, who want Adam to sing to us on any birthday, just didn’t vote – “vote, we don’t need no stinkin’ votes!”

The insight that bowled me over and is still powering through my day, began with Cyndi Lauper and Allison Iraheta.  Sitting knee-to-knee, singing Time After Time, led me to feel thrilled for Allison, thrilled out of her mind.  It just seemed glorious, unimaginably glorious to be next to her idol; almost appearing to be peers; knowing their are not in one way and clearly equal in another.  Of course they are links in a chain of artistry and we had a front row seat.  The TV show included, among others,  Lionel Richie with Danny Gokie, Queen Latifah with Lil Rounds and Adam Lambert with KISS.  These pairs are runners in the relay of music. 

I wondered who I would like to meet.  Who have I met that handed me a baton?  Names poured though my mind; Mary Daly, Sally Miller Gearhart, Kate Millet, Barbara Love, Gloria Steinem, Grace Welch, Riane Eisler, Flo Kennedy, Dr. Joseph Lowery, Jacqui Ceballos, Margie Adam  and so many more.  The reason I could feel so much for these contestants was because I have sat knee-to-knee with my inspiration. 

What am I doing to hand off this baton before my time is over?  There is lots of conversation within the American Women’s Movement about “intergenerational feminism.”  American Idol made me really question the uproar.  I doubt if Allison felt that Cyndi was too old to be playing with her, even though Cyndi was playing an old fashioned Appalacian dulcimer.  Carlos Santana, Queen, Rod Stewart were sure not presented as old and out of date. 

In the world of feminism, I think the problem is identifying the baton.  My experience is that older women think the baton is the message imbedded in their tried and true methods and, for the most part, the methods are entirely out of date.  For younger women, the message and the methods are not what they need or can use. 

The real baton is courage, insight and passion.  Older to younger, experienced to newbie, seer to seeker, this entire conversation will change both in content and context when the baton is properly identified as energy ignited with wisdom ~ not message or methods.  They are specific to each activist, each generation and not required for the movement to continue.  Insisting that the methods and message are the baton is short-sighted and counter-productive.  As Kara Dioguardi said it all season, true artistry is taking a classic and making it your own. 

Tie it all together

Did you know that I was a religion teacher in several Catholic High Schools?  After you collect yourself from laughing, I must say I was very well suited for it and, even more importantly, it was very well suited for me.  The information I studied, examined, categorized and often defended continues to serve me. 

One theory that I reorganized in the 60s is the concept of a daily examination of conscience.  The Catholic teaching is that at the end of each day, one should examine their conscience in search of sin and ask God for forgiveness.  I taught that in a bit of a different way. (duh)  I taught that you should examine your conscience at the end of the day to understand who you truly are, what you value and your thought process.  Today it would be called searching for your truth.  My lesson included very strong encouragement that you can change yourself tomorrow by being conscious of the day as it unfolds.  (sounds like Buddhism ~ a la BE HERE NOW) I suppose it is a bit like saying that tallying up transgressions and saying you are sorry might not be as productive as taking responsibility. 

On the other hand, it smacks of being the creator of the day which might border on blasphemy (one of my specialties).  This is a big concept in the New Age Movement.  You can hear all about it in the movie, What the Bleep in which Dr. Joe Dispenza explains, "I wake up in the morning and I consciously create my day the way I want it to happen... But here's the thing: When I create my day and out of nowhere little things happen that are so unexplainable, I know that they are the process or the result of my creation."

Doesn't this tie in with Alchemist author, Paul Coelho, stating that, "the universe is conspiring  in our favor, even though we may not understand how."  And what about the teachings of Abraham, by Esther and Jerry Hicks, which are about the laws of attraction and intention.  Do know that I have a BIG blinking yellow CAUTION sign warning that if you buy this idea in total, it might lead to thinking that people who do not attract health or money or fame or the latest Spade bag are just not good at their practice.   

But now here is the deal - This morning I was wandering around the TV dial (a dated term ~ LOL) and stopped at an Oprah after the Show on Oxygen.  She was continuing a conversation with the girls who were featured on the "Dumb Girls" program.  See Stupid Girls?    O was going on about the focus on shopping, celebrity and values and she said, "WHAT WE NEED IS ANOTHER WOMEN'S MOVEMENT."  No really, this is what she said.  I wrote it down.

She went on to say that today things are worse than they were before the women's movement.  WE NEED ANOTHER ONE.  She said that she feels so strongly about it that she called Gloria Steinem to talk on the show, but she was busy.  Then Oprah and Dr. Robin talked about how messed up the Bachelor TV show is with women lining up, hoping for a rose with thousands more at home choosing who should get the rose too. 

Okay so lets tie up this long string of thoughts; Could it be?  Could there be another Women's Movement coming?  Did Oprah talk with Robert Thurman and decide to make my intentions come true?  WOW.  I am so happy.  Oprah - CALL ME.